Taking that first step and reaching out for help can be so difficult, whether you are struggling with an existing relationship or suffering from heartbreak and confusion after a separation or divorce. For some there can be a sense that ‘you should’ be able to sort this out for yourself. This feeling is not unusual but that stoic mindset may not be helpful when you are suffering daily and unsure of who or where to turn. If you have already decided to take control of your life and begin to make a change then this article is for you, if you are considering reaching out then it will help guide you on what to expect and how to prepare for your first therapy session whether that is as an individual or as a couple
Ask to meet your therapist for a pre-therapy session
If you haven’t already arranged a ‘Discovery Call’ or Pre-therapy session ask for one as this can help ascertain if you feel you could work comfortably with this person. It also gives you the opportunity to ask any questions regarding how they work.
Think about what you want from Therapy
Are you hoping a therapist can help you through a specific situation or stressful event? Or are you planning it to be a longer relationship? Do you want a place where you can vent, or do you want to learn techniques for dealing with anxiety? If you are going as a couple discuss together what you hope to achieve individually and in your relationship. It’s important to think about what you’d like to gain from therapy sessions so you can mention that from your first meeting, try and ascertain what your goal is.
Decide what you’d like from your Therapist
Whilst being open minded it’s worth thinking about what style of therapist you’d like to work with. Do you want someone who will offer guidance? Listen silently? Challenge you? Would you like them to be casual and chatty or be more conventional and reserved ? Remember feeling comfortable with whom you choose is one of the best indicators for therapy to work.
Be prepared – Have any questions about the logistics – payment, appointment timings, appointment frequency ready.
This is essential stuff to find out, so make sure you note down the questions and cover them before you leave. Then you can go home with all the information required to make an informed decision.
Make a list of things you’d like to discuss in your first session
This can help you to relax, so you don’t have to focus on remembering everything on the day.
Clear the time around your first session
Make sure you give yourself plenty of time to find your Therapist’s office, the last thing you want is the added stress of not finding their office and arriving late. Silence your phone, tell anyone who may need to contact you that you will be out of contact for a while. If your first session is via zoom then make sure you won’t be disturbed, your phone is switched off, you have water and possibly tissues to hand if you are feeling emotional.
What to expect – The first session
Although all therapists have their own way of working there will be a certain amount of structure to the first session that most therapists tend to cover. The first meeting is likely to be a fact finding session so the Therapist can best understand your needs. If not already discussed on the phone they will potentially take personal information and contact details. Your therapist will more than likely introduce an agreement or contract between the two of you to work towards. It can be implemented in one of two ways. Most will offer a written version, the content includes their commitment to working with you and their expectations regarding your commitment to the process. It should be clearly written and easy to understand, if it’s not don’t hesitate to express your concerns. Alternatively some therapists prefer a more informal verbal agreement that is agreed when you first meet. Be clear either way you are happy with the arrangements discussed
Once the paperwork is complete they may then ask you a little more about what brings you to seek therapy and what your expectations are.
Be prepared to be honest and open
It’s important for therapy to work that you are completely open and honest. Therapist are professionals who have heard it all and more! You are not going to shock them by opening up. They are not there to judge you either. If they ask you a question about the severity of what’s going on, don’t downplay it. Yes, it’s scary and yes, you may need to be a bit vulnerable, but that is how it will end up helping. Remember the conversations you have with your therapist are confidential unless you tell them you may be at risk of harm or someone else is. This is all explained in the agreement I mentioned earlier.
Make notes if it helps, either in the session or after it.
Keeping a record of your experience during and after your session helps create clarity around your thoughts and feelings. Keeping a journal is also a record of your journey so you can track progress
Downtime & Reflection
Try not to schedule anything immediately after your appointment because you may find you need some time afterwards to process your thoughts, you may feel tired and even emotional. Look after your needs before, during and after therapy, remember this is your time.
Remember that if you don’t like this therapist, that’s okay
It’s normal to feel pressure to carry on with therapy once it’s started however listen to your gut, and if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist for whatever reason – whether it’s because you don’t feel they really understand what you were saying or you find their earrings intensely distracting – remember that it’s totally okay to look elsewhere. The whole point of therapy is to feel better. If you don’t feel you can open up to your therapist and trust what they say, it’s never going to work out. And it’s fine if it takes a few tries to find one that’s right for
you.
Extra considerations when embarking on couples work
The first session: The relationship appraisal
In the first session, is all about information gathering. You will each get an opportunity to tell your story.
The therapist observes interactions and asks questions. Your counsellor will look at strengths and weaknesses in your relationship dynamic and determine what is working and what may be problematic; *Please keep in mind that sometimes individual sessions are recommended to help the relationship and that this is normal. For example, if one person or both parties are bringing in old relationship issues (such as mistrust) or childhood issues into the relationship, the therapist may recommend individual counselling for a period of time before perhaps resuming couples counselling. Please do not take this personally or as a failure. It will be for the benefit of your union as a whole.
Commitment is Critical
It’s about demonstrating through your words and actions that you are in the relationship for better or for worse, and that you can count on each other. Commitment is critical regardless of your relationship status, whether you’re dating, cohabiting, or married. Without commitment, couples begin to nurture resentment for what they think is missing in their relationship instead of nurturing gratitude for what they have.
Counsellors Are Not Referees
Couples counsellors may well provide you with coaching. For example, they may teach you learn to communicate differently, but what they will not do is give advice about life issues. They are not there to take sides. Rather, counsellors try to appear unbiased and sensitive to both parties to allow you both to feel heard. However, in order to do their jobs properly and to keep therapy on track, they do have to call clients out on egocentric talk and tell clients when their behaviour is counter-productive, competitive, alienating or abusive. The therapist’s job is to show you the best methods for getting your relationship back on track, and sometimes this means asking you to take responsibility for past events so that you can move forward and focus on the future.
Be Willing to Change
You have to be willing to change to repair a relationship. A counsellor is there to assist with the change. We are used to people being uneasy. The best work is often done just after hitting an uncomfortable spot. This sweet spot is where both parties drop their guards and fess up to feelings, disappointments and their own behaviour. Sometimes one party will walk out, cool off, and then come back. That is okay. We understand that sometimes people haven’t been this honest their whole lives.
When One Person is Unmotivated, Only Coming to Therapy as a Box-Ticking Exercise
Therapy is most successful when people are willing to walk in the door on their own. This isn’t to say that therapy is not daunting and you won’t feel hesitant about the process. You may of course have doubts and fears about whether therapy will help or if it will feel awkward. But give it a try at least for a few sessions wholeheartedly.
Blame: If you are coming to couples counselling in order to be proven RIGHT or to BLAME the other party entirely for the failure of your relationship, you have already emotionally separated from your partner and should move onto individual therapy or mediation with a mediator (Parenting plan) or lawyer.
What Couples Counselling Doesn’t Do
Couples counselling isn’t a magic cure. It requires an investment of honesty, courage, and humility. Often, couples come into counselling blaming one another for their difficulties. (It’s not unusual for couples to start arguing in front of the counsellor.) Remember, couples counsellors are not passive. They will intervene to focus the session on insight and action. For you and your partner, this often involves letting go of fixed perspectives and stepping back to see the process of how you interact. Remember, couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. The counsellor is there to help you to explore your feelings and to find different perspectives to make better decisions on what you are able and willing to change.
IMPORTANT: if there is any violence in your relationship couples work may not be appropriate, however individual counselling / coaching can be a good starting point for each party:
Are You Ready to Become The Couple You Used to be?
It takes a lot of courage to book in for Couples Counselling, and we applaud that, but it may be the best investment you ever make in your family… It’s important to remember that there is an initial free Discovery call phone consultation