Heartbreak can be one of the most emotionally challenging and devastating times of our life. The physical and emotional symptoms really can make you feel your heart is about to break in two. You can’t sleep and when you do, you wake up with a jolt that tells you your life will never be the same again. Everything feels different and nothing makes sense anymore, you can’t imagine that you will ever feel happy again and all around you people tell you that it will get better in time… but you can’t imagine how that can ever be true. Does any of this sound familiar?
The thing is though…time really is the best antidote for heartbreak. Time is the great healer, so whilst there is no immediate cure for heartbreak there are steps you can take to ease the pain and to dial down that emotional rollercoaster you find yourself on.
Ok, so there are 5 main stages of grief that many of us experience. Using this as a template I have created a resources guide to support you on your journey to repair the heartbreak you are now experiencing.
Denial
When you experience loss a part of you just wants to pretend its not happening and lock yourself away, lick your wounds in the hope it will all go away. Unfortunately this is an unlikely outcome. So rather than hide yourself away I want you to face the day and start to take control of what you are experiencing today, in the present moment
DO – Acknowledge your feelings as a first step to recovery. Treat yourself with love. kindness, respect and compassion. Separation or Divorce is in the top 5 of life’s stressors so respect your pain as it is all part of the healing process
DO – Look after your physical and mental health as it will help you cope better. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat well and exercise to release those endorphins again.
DON’T put on a brave face instead acknowledge your pain and face it head on in the knowledge that you have one way to go and that is up. Cry, talk to friends and complain about the unfairness. If your not ready to talk keep a journal to free up mental space. Use it to list all the things you didn’t like about him or her including the times they let you down. Then when your done crying take a deep breath and remember that no-one deserves your tears or anymore of your precious time!
Anger
Because anger is one of the 5 stages in the loss cycle be aware that you may become angry at everyone even yourself! If you find this is happening for you then try and turn that negative energy into something positive. Rather than be angry at yourself or your ex, instead harness that energy and focus on finding ways to be happy. Put yourself first and begin to take care of your needs.
DO – Start thinking about dialling down that emotion with the help of diaphragmatic breathing techniques to lower your anxiety levels. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques are also useful to help alleviate the negative emotions you are experiencing at the moment.
DON’T – try and numb the pain with drinking too much or jumping into a new relationship too quickly. Remember this is a grieving process and each stage needs honouring.
Bargaining
This can be the dangerous stage when you may consider doing anything to get your partner back (even when you know they are no good for you!)
DO – keep your distance from your ex. Surround yourself with people with positive energy. Pull together a support network of friends and family who will be there for you to ring if you are tempted to get in touch with your ex
DO – Keep mutual friends at a distance for now so you don’t feel tempted to enquire how he is doing. If all your friends are mutual then look at joining an online support group where you will meet like minded people who have similar experiences of heartbreak. Facebook is a good place to start with this. Try Listening to uplifting and motivational podcasts to continue to give yourself that positive energy vibe
DON’T – Stalk your ex on social media or visit their place of work or local pub in the hope you may bump into them. This is like torturing yourself and holds no long term benefit. If possible block them and have no contact. If you have children there are ways to keep contact to a respectful minimum.
DON’T – Idealise your ex, if you find yourself focusing all that you have lost from the breakup I want you to re-frame this by doing a list of all the ways your ex upset you. Remember the arguments you had, the petty disagreements that never seemed to get resolved, their irritating habits, their friends you didn’t like. Speak to a friend if you need reminding. The idea is to create balance and to remind yourself that he isn’t the perfect partner he was a chapter in your book and now is the time to continue with the rest of your story
Depression
Its normal to feel low when a relationship ends. However in order to lift that low mood you will probably have to change your mindset and actively shift your energy levels which may feel hard but if you persevere it will reap its rewards for you
DO – Talk about how you feel, if you feel you are wearing out your friends and families patience then consider talking to a professional. Divorce and Separation Coaches not only have professional experience around heartbreak but there is also a likelihood they have been where you are themselves and come out the other end. Their training, expertise and experience could fast track you to where you would like to be.
DO – Keep yourself busy. See friends, arrange nights out, take up a new hobby, write a bucket list of things you would like to do. If you feel low create a list of up beat tunes to lift your mood. Restyle you hair. Rearrange the furniture in your house. In fact anything that creates energy and motivation.
DON’T – keep telling the story of your break-up to everyone you meet. This will re-enforce the negative feelings and keep you in that place of low mood.
Acceptance
The good news is at some stage you will begin to accept the loss of your love, however the model of grief is not linear and although time heals there may still be challenging times ahead when you revisit previous feelings as you navigate the loss cycle
DO – be assured that time does heal.
DO – look for new meaning in life and create a preferred vision of your future. A great way to do this is to create a vision board of how you would like your life to look. This could include pictures of destinations, lifestyle changes, affirmations or quotes that resonate, people you want to see more of or are important to you.
DON’T – Live in the past in the hope that your ex will realise their mistake.
If you are still feeling down and can’t seem to shake yourself out of the rut you find yourself in then please seek professional help with a Relationship & Divorce Coach. They will help you recover and rebuild your life with resources and tools to dial down that emotion and help and guide you to find a new meaning to life
I hope you have found this resource guide useful?
if it has been useful I would love to hear from you in the comments box
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